Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The future is here and I'm terrified of it.


It's been two months since I last burdened everyone else with understanding how mussed the inside of my head is.

In the meantime, I managed to finish the novel from November (It's like 60k long or something now.), went on a three-day hike that I did not take enough photos for, went home, went to Queensland for Christmas, volunteered for a week-long kids club for my church and am now back in Newie, looking madly for a job before the meagre savings buffer I'd built up last year disintegrates.

In that time, I've been to two weddings, travelled 1000k in cars over 24 hours, done doorknocking, and had some wonderful late-night conversations with friends.

But the future's here, and it's sitting on my floor like my lunchbox that I know has a chinese container with off curry in it, and I'm terrified to open it, because I don't know what to do with it anyway. It's sitting here and looking at me and the longer it looks at me the more terrified I get, because I feel like this was supposed to be easier, but I'm in the In Between space again and am scrabbling about worse than a rabbit on tiles.

And the similes are easier to write, and I constructed a monologue describing my skills in my Oddspeak, but that doesn't change where I am.

Oddspeak is the word I've coined just now. I once wrote a blog post in Oddspeak, last year, I think. It's here if you want to read it.
I can't think of another word for it now. If you read the previous post, you'll notice that it's super lyrical and super involved. It's laborious to speak, because of the double statements and constant comparisons, but the way it weaves back and forth is designed to conjure an image in the mind, layered and built on with every line, every syllable, until the image appears alive and strong, and very, very real and now...

...and I'm doing it now, aren't I?

I think the first instances of me using this kind of language was when I got mad in school. The use of big words weights your statements, and the time it takes for the other person to get what you're yabbering on about usually buys enough time to solidify the argument in your own head.

But that's not the purpose of me trying to write now, to get the thoughts out of my head because I'm stuck in my house at the moment, too freaked out to go look for more jobs.

Last night was Skype night - Wednesday always is. And I got to catch up with my folks, and gave them the lowdown on how I'd thrown my resume at eight different places yesterday, and I was actually really pleased with it, considering that I'd been nearly paralyzed with anxiety for most of it.

Dude, I do not like this job hunting business.

And the response to 'I gave out eight resumes at local places looking for work' was 'are you looking in career-oriented places'?

I'm not at the moment. I'm stuck in this boggery right now, because I just need a brainless job, and I don't want to leave Newcastle this year, but the kind of job I need to go get to be doing what I want to do will pretty much without fail require me to move.

Dad suggested one he'd found right away, and the title and description made it sound exactly where I wanted to be.

But it's in Melbourne.

Why is everything in my industry in Melbourne I don't even want to go there it's too cold and I've only just established my life here and it's too far away and moving and stress and friends....

*Flips table*

There's other jobs out there like this. I'm reading through things now and they're exciting to look at, but so far away. The stress of even considering these is making my palms sweat.

I was kind of hoping that I could just stay in Newcastle for a little longer. Find out if there's anything here I should be staying for - there's stacks going on with my church in either case - and then perhaps entertain the idea of leaving if it didn't mean leaving so many people behind.

I feel like I'm waiting around for other things, too, or waiting to see how those things unfold, but I'm running out of time, and I've picked an industry you need like five years experience to be in entry level anyway, and I have my cosplay, but it's still not amazing compared to the professionals I see at cons, and...

...and I'm sorry I'm babbling. And not sorry.

Look, the next blog post I'm writing is going to be on the hike I did in December. Much less intrusive, more about my stupid hat.

There's a lot going on but I'm a long way from having the momentum to get at any of it. And I feel like I should have gotten onto this earlier.

So, pretty much exactly how things were just after I finished High School.

At least I didn't bom out with uni.

On the bright side, I found an incredibly complex recipe for Turkish Delight on Tuesday. Some of you will know this, and some won't, but I've picked up a habit of baking to decrease stress levels. And I don't have an oven.

But that's okay here, because I don't need an oven for Turkish Delight. I just need a buttload of sugar and four days to work on it.

Whoever knew this stuff was so laborious?